dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
