my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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