I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
