Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
