The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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