if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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