i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
