His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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