Soap is not a condiment
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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