Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
