its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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