Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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