it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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