She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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