i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
