I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
