I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
