Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I accidentally had phone sex last night
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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