I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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