thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
