If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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