I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
