I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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