so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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