SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
