No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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