I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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