Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
