I'll bet she douches with gravy.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.