I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.