Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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