I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
