Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
