gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize