I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
