Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
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Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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