I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
