i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
