i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
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