If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
