I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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