I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my liver is dry heaving
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
