Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
