Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
