If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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