Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
