I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
