i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
