I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
