the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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