Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
