I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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