My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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