I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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