So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
